Sincere and Effective Apologies
Many of us learned the basics of an apology when we were young because it’s fundamental for sustaining human relationships.
When we mess up we express remorse, accept responsibility, and do something to rectify the situation. This process shows not only how much we value our relationship with the person we’ve wronged, but it’s essential for moving the relationship forward. An effective apology is the first step in an ongoing process between offender and victim that helps build understanding over time.
Yet, despite how early or often we’re reminded of their importance, apologies are still really hard for many people and organizations. Moreover, good apologies can feel elusive unless you understand their purpose and how to satisfy their expectations.
Why are apologies hard?
There are a number of reasons why something we learn as a child can feel infinitely harder as an adult. On the June 21, 2021 episode of the Hidden Brain podcast, psychologist Tyler Okimoto and host Shankar Vedantam discuss some of the mental barriers that can challenge our ability to say “I’m sorry.”
First, admitting we’ve done something wrong relinquishes power and control. This can feel threatening to the person apologizing, but I argue that’s exactly what’s required to make an apology effective and save a relationship. When someone gives us an apology that attempts to protect their power and control, we know right away it’s insincere. Effective apologies require surrender.
But Okimoto also mentions how admitting a mistake can question concepts we hold about ourselves, e.g. “I’m a good person,”or “our company has a positive impact on the world,” etc. Maintaining a positive self-image is important not only to individuals, but also organizations. The cognitive dissonance between the harm we’ve caused and who we want to believe we are makes it difficult for a lot of people to give sincere apologies, even when it’s clear to everyone else that it’s the right thing to do for a relationship.
Apologies that fail
Even with the best intentions, apologies can easily miss their mark. Okimoto mentions a couple of the most common reasons throughout his discussion with Vedantam.
First, how we apologize can make victims furious. Denial, looking for excuses, and attempting to paint yourself in the best possible light are all triggering elements of bad apologies. Using apologies to do anything other than sincerely apologizing to the person or people who’ve been hurt is a recipe for rejection.
Another common failure is giving an apology in order to convince someone to forgive you. The purpose of giving a sincere apology is that it’s the right thing to do; it shows respect for your relationship, and in high-profile cases, can even make society better. I love Okimoto’s recommendation to think about apologies as a gift without the expectation of forgiveness. It’s something we do for others, not ourselves.
Finally, missing or dismissing when an individual case reflects a symbolic case can easily compound the problem by destroying the credibility of an apology. For example, apologizing for individual incidents of workplace harassment, discrimination, product failures, or societal harms caused by our organizations as if they’re isolated cases for everyone else ignores the lived experiences of those we’ve hurt.
We can’t sincerely apologize for things like racist policies or behavior, online abuse, and unfair working conditions as if they’re not part of large systematic societal issues. Trying to dodge the larger context is a self-protecting mechanism that consistently fails to meet the expectations of victim groups looking for broader systemic solutions; organizations disregard this at great cost to their own integrity and public trust.
When you really mean it
In 2013, therapist Jennifer Thomas teamed up with Gary Chapman (author of The 5 Love Languages) to publish a book entitled, “When Sorry Isn’t Enough.” It’s a guide to using the five apology languages based on interviews they conducted with thousands of Americans to ask two questions:
When you apologize, what do you typically say or do?
When someone is apologizing to you, what do you want them to say or do?
According to Thomas and Chapman, one or two apology languages are required in what any individual reconsiders to be a sincere apology. If you miss the types of apology language they respond to, then they see your apology as incomplete and probably won’t accept it.
I found this particularly interesting as a communications professional who advises individuals and organizations on giving apologies, because it underscores something we already know to be true for other types of communication:
There is no universal formula; you need to understand your audience.
Based on their research, Thomas and Chapman define the following five apology languages:
Expressing regret. This apology language communicates that you feel bad that your behavior hurt the relationship by acknowledging that what you did was wrong. Don’t get stuck into thinking that what you did has to be morally wrong. If it hurts the relationship, it is wrong. When you effectively express regret, you also tell the other person precisely what you’re sorry for without blaming them for your behavior. If you say “I’m sorry for X, but I did it because you did Y,” you’re no longer apologizing.
Accepting responsibility. This apology language includes explicitly accepting responsibility for our behavior. Again, for some people, this is what they consider to be a sincere apology; and if you don’t acknowledge that what you did was wrong, then in their mind, you’re not sincere. Even if you say, “I’m sorry,” they’ll struggle to believe what you’re saying because they don’t think you really mean it.
Making restitution. A third apology language is offering to make restitution by committing to do whatever it will take to make things right. This is something that some people are waiting for when you apologize. If you don’t offer to make things right, then they have a hard time forgiving you. The sincerity to ask how you can make it right and the willingness to actually do it, is how these folks will know your apology is real.
Genuinely repenting. The fourth apology language is expressing the desire to change and the commitment to prevent it from happening again. For some people, if you don’t express the desire to change your behavior, they find it difficult to forgive you, especially if you’re trying to apologize for a pattern of behavior. In this case, every time you said, “I’m sorry,” in the past caused them to question what you were going to do about it.
Requesting forgiveness. The last apology language is asking for forgiveness. For some people, this is what they consider to be a sincere apology, and if you don’t actually request forgiveness or ask for forgiveness, in their mind, you haven’t apologized. From a communications perspective, this is mostly likely because they’re looking for an explicit transfer of power and for you to accept whatever decision they make. This is a difficult language for many organizations that lack the patience or humility to offer power over the relationship to someone else.
What this means for leaders and organizations
First and foremost, I want to re-emphasize the point about understanding your audience. We’re all dependent on our relationships with others, both as individuals and organizations. So if there’s someone or some group of people that is important to you or your company, get to know them now. Apologies are the wrong time for guessing the values, attitudes, and expectations of the people you’ve hurt.
Moreover, forgiveness does not equal trust. It merely opens the door to the possibility that trust can be rebuilt. As psychologist Charlotte Witvliet, Professor of Psychology at Hope College, discusses on the June 14, 2021 episode of the Hidden Brain podcast, forgiveness doesn’t destroy or erase all of the painful emotions experienced by the person or people we’ve hurt. In fact, nursing a grudge can help take the edge off their sadness and give them a greater sense of perceived control. Don’t expect anyone to behave as if the hurt never happened, even if they do forgive you.
Often, I see organizations flustered that their apology is not accepted or even if it is, the recipient continues to look for evidence to justify their anger. Let them. Anger about what you did may never go away, but a sincere apology and restitution can help you start a new journey with them that redefines or heals your relationship. Witvliet explains that when we’re distressed, we usually aren’t in a position to think flexibly. We’ve discussed this idea before in the context of appropriate task loading for effective incident response.
As Witvliet describes, when we ruminate on past hurts, we often experience a stress response, which makes it harder for us to get past a grudge. Therefore, we can’t expect anyone to forgive us on our terms, especially if we haven’t assured them the psychological safety they need and don’t have plans in place for accountability that stops the harm. Witvliet’s research suggested that giving people something to remind them of your humanity can help support a calmer, more regulated response.
